Missing the Skin for the Colors

[ I’m not attempting any definition of “racism” in this blog post. My priority is showing compassion and recognizing every person for who they are. In order to do so, I strive to show the difference between valuing someone first as an individual versus prioritizing the group(s) they identify—or are stereotypically identified—with. After listening to a wide variety of discussions concerning racism and civil rights, however, I’ve concluded that I agree with Star Parker. ]

There’s a scene I enjoy from “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” where a little girl approaches a medieval Moor (a Muslim) and asks, “Did God paint you?” The man laughs, then he looks at her intently and says, “Yes.” The girl asks, “Why?” He replies, “Because Allah loves wondrous variety.”

I recently developed a vocabulary term. It’s called “Ethnic Synesthesia.” It means the tendency to place human individuals of varying ethnicity into groups according to the color of their skin. Most of us know that song “red and yellow black and white, they’re all precious in His sight.” That song is a prime example of “ethnic synethesia.” In fact, the song is so controversial and offensive that a new version of the line says, “Every color, every race, all are covered by His grace.” I’d tend to push the debate further still and say that any division by color and race misses the point of Jesus Christ’s unearned, irresistible grace. His unconditional love is a gift for each person who accepts Him by faith. To accept Jesus, the only you that you have to be is human.

Some of us remember the Scripture verse, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). Does that mean no ethnicity, no skin tone, no class, and no gender exists? Of course not! However, it means that, in God’s perspective, Christ-followers “are all one in Christ Jesus.” Christian individuals today seem to be having a real challenge with this. I think it stems from “ethnic synethesia” and collectivist thinking.

Enduring Word’s Commentary on Galatians 3 explains the chapter and verse’s intent:

“If you are Christ’s: This is the issue. The issue is not ‘Are you under the law?’ The issue is not ‘Are you a Jew or a Gentile?’ The issue is not ‘Are you slave or free?’ The issue is not ‘Are you a man or a woman?’ The only issue is if you are Christ’s. If we are Christ’s, then…
· We find our place in eternity, because we are sons and daughters of God.
· We find our place in society, because we are brothers and sisters in the family of God.
· We find our place in history, because we are part of God’s plan of the ages, related spiritually to Abraham by our faith in Jesus.”

So what is your identity? People choose to associate and identify with a vast number of things. Often, what we identify with carries a distinct label; sometimes not. For example, am I a Republican if I listen to country music? Am I a junkie if I need three mugs of coffee every day? Am I a peanut if I enjoy eating peanut butter?

Identifiers get kind of crazy. Perhaps that’s why people often resort to identifiers that we can see—things like clothing, symbols, and physical features. Personally, I have nothing against this unavoidable human tendency. But stereotyping isn’t harmful until it is.

So when is stereotyping harmful?  First, it’s time to have a talk about collectivism.

Here is a representation of Jesus Christ made up of smaller pictures of individual people. Now, while this type of art photography is very interesting, it’s not my favorite. There’s something I don’t like about it: you can’t really see the faces of the people in the smaller photos—they’re just tiny, blurry faces. The sole focus becomes the fact that the smaller photos are grouped together just right to make the face of Jesus.

In a similar way, the groupings, not the individuals, are collectivism’s focus. A collectivist is “an adherent of the practice or principle of giving a group priority over each individual in it” (dictionary).

There’s a collectivist mindset that starts occurring when we take stereotyping to extremes. Sports players and athletic individuals are grouped as “jocks” (exclusively sports-minded, not brainy intellectuals); studious and bookish individuals become “nerds” (“a foolish or contemptible person who lacks social skills or is boringly studious”—dictionary definition; not mine). On and on. . .

I think you already know the potentially harmful results of standardized testing—see 2015 National Education Association’s key findings. Also relevant, “The Future of Standardized Testing.” Move these negative outcomes down a few notches and that’s what happens when we extensively label and categorize individuals into standard groups (stereotypes).

Eventually, due to extreme stereotyping and collectivism, the group becomes all we really see. The group informs the identity and sometimes even the value of the individuals. Individuals who wear blue uniforms and might use racial profiling to enforce the law become “racist police.” Individuals with seemingly unlimited authority become “fascists.” Individuals with visible Caucasian features (white skin, no matter what blood lines) become “whites.” If “whites” happen to land within a certain economic tier, those individuals become “white supremacists.”

I think you get the gist. There’s a simple “1, 2, 3” step program to collectivism:
1) We see identifiers and begin using them to distinguish certain individuals by treating them differently.
2) We stereotype individuals into categories according to our predetermined bias which is based on unfounded identifiers.
3) Individuals are no longer viewed as their own individual selves but as part of a certain group.

It’s simplistic and convenient for humans to practice extreme stereotyping. It’s also ungodly and un-Christlike (see Genesis 1–2, Psalm 139, Matthew 7, Romans 5, Galatians 3). In the Scriptures, most encounters with God are between God and one other individual. He is an intimately personal God, meeting each individual right where they’re at.

In the Old Testament, we see God speak. He doesn’t address the tribes of Israel one tribe at a time. No. Instead, He meets with Moses face-to-face. Intimate. Personal. One-on-one.

In the New Testament, John writes, “The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price” (Revelation 22:17 ESV). The invitation to “come” is distinctly targeted, directed to individuals.

Listen, also, to the singular language of Jesus Christ’s promise: “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day” (John 6:44 ESV).

And Jesus’ intimate explanation of the purpose to individually keep His commandments:

“Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” (John 14:21)

Let’s never forget Who Jesus Christ is— “This was why the Jews were seeking all the more to kill him, because not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal with God” (John 5:18 ESV). Jesus, God’s Son, became fully human for us. Jesus, the Word of God, became flesh and dwelt among us. He died for us. The Incarnation was the most meaningful translation of grace, forgiveness, justice, and restoration to undeserving sinners. Jesus, Who is God, chose to humble and submit His All-Powerful Omnipresence to containment in the form—the skin and bones—of a human body (Philippians 2). We can’t begin to entirely comprehend that.

Famous American athlete, Jesse Owens, said, “The only bond worth anything between human beings is their humanness.” Jesus came to a certain place, a specific people group, with an identifiable culture and heritage, distinct class, identifying traits and physical features, . . . Yes. All that. However, His name was “To Deliver/To Rescue” (Jesus) “God With Us” (Immanuel). His salvation and His life for us wasn’t—and isn’t—about race, color, tongue, or tribe. Jesus willingly bonded with us in our humanness.

Jesus Christ is the only God Man who ever referred to Himself as the “Son of Man” on a regular basis! Please read more about the special term “Son of Man” in an explanation by Marius Nel (faculty of Theology, North-West University in South Africa). Nel says the term “is used by Jesus 80 times as a way to refer to himself (32 times in Matthew; 14 times in Mark; 26 times in Luke; and 10 times in a qualitatively different way from the Synoptic Gospels in John). In all these texts Jesus is the speaker; no one ever addresses him as Son of man.” Jesus purposefully chose to associate and unify with humanity.

An accurate picture of Jesus is painted in Zephaniah 3:17.
“The Lord your God is in your midst,
    a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
    he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Jesus desires an exclusive intimate relationship with you and wants you to stay, remain, and abide with Him. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love” (John 15: 9).

Jesus is slow to anger and FULL of compassion. He deeply understands our human limitations. “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9 NASB)

Let’s not reduce our value to a collection of various groupings. Humans are more than a string of cells. Individuals are more complex than the groups we put them in.

Let’s not put our worth or identity in anything less than being unique human individuals, fully and purposefully created in God’s image, bought and redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 7:23). To Him be the glory forever!

“Praise the Lord, all nations!
    Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
    and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord!”
– Psalm 117:1-2 ESV

Psalm 62 – Renew Your Hope

**This blog is based on my notes from Pastor Brian Ethridge’s sermon, “Finding Hope” March 22, 2020. For more, visit pvbc4u.org**

During these dark times in our world, in our nation, in our personal lives, it’s difficult to see the light of hope breaking through the clouds. But, as Charles H. Spurgeon wrote in The Saint and His Saviour, “A dark cloud is no sign that the sun has lost his light; and dark black convictions are no arguments that God has laid aside His mercy.” Spurgeon continues, “It is in this manner the sheep is brought into the fold by the barking of the dog and in this fashion the ship is compelled by the storm to make for the nearest haven. Fly to Jesus and believe his grace.”

And (because I deeply enjoy the way he words things) here is another quotation by Spurgeon from a sermon in 1871: “There is no solace for our griefs like the gospel of Jesus Christ, and those who are ignorant of it are tossed about upon a stormy sea, without an anchorage. Glory be to God; when sorrow has brought on a midnight, grace can transform it into noon.”

I can’t understand or navigate the darkness while I’m in it. I don’t know what is happening. I need a GPS. I need something (or rather, Someone) above the dark clouds to direct me where I need to go. Who can show me the way?

King David wrote Psalm 62 during a very dark time in his life. It may have been written during his son, Absalom’s, rebellion and conspiracy to take over David’s kingdom (see 2 Samuel 15). Enemies. Lies. Attacks. Betrayal. David was dealing with a wicked, heart-breaking situation that caused intense personal sorrow and filled his entire kingdom with danger and uncertainty.

We, too, experience times of danger and uncertainty. Times when all seems lost. Hopelessness. Sorrow. And fear. But God’s Word teaches us that we can have hope in the midst of sorrow and struggle. In Psalm 62, we see four practical things we must do to renew our hope.

1. Proclaim your trust in God
“Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.” -Psalm 62:1,2 NKJV

Do others know where my trust is? Can they see and hear me proclaiming it? It’s like a toddler who doesn’t know all the words to the Alphabet Song, but he sings it loudly anyway. I may not know the specific pieces of the plan God has for me, but I sing about Him anyway because I love to sing His song. He is for me.

And sometimes, when I can not sing, “my soul silently waits.” Lamentations 3:26 says “it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord” (NIV).

2. Be honest about your troubles
“How long will you attack a man?
You shall be slain, all of you,
Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence.
They only consult to cast him down from his high position;
They delight in lies;
They bless with their mouth,
But they curse inwardly. Selah” – Psalm 62:3, 4 NKJV

In my opinion, there are three parts to being honest with our troubles:
a) Honesty with ourselves
b) Honesty with others
c) Honesty with God

Am I being honest? God works with reality. This means God works with my reality. God already knows each one of us completely. He knows we’re vulnerable and imperfect and He still loves us. When I do something, God never says, “Wow, Amy, I didn’t see that coming.” He asks me to share what I’m going through with Him. He desires an intimate relationship with me, and with you.

Being transparent with God will allow us to gain perspective on our troubles through the clear lens of faith. Rather than falling into the Slough of Despond (Swamp of Despair), we can see ourselves and our troubles from God’s holy and loving perspective.

Our theology (what we believe about Who God is) must become our practice. For instance, do I pray to God? Do I tell Him my troubles? Do I expect Him to listen? Do I hope in His love? (For more: “Does God Hear Me?”)

“I cried out to him with my mouth;
    his praise was on my tongue.
If I had cherished sin in my heart,
    the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened
    and has heard my prayer.
Praise be to God,
    who has not rejected my prayer
    or withheld his love from me!”
– Psalm 66:17-20 NIV

3. Inspire yourself and others to trust God
“My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.” – Psalm 62:5, 6 NKJV

Our natural tendency is to react; we need to learn to respond in faith. God is the All-powerful, All-knowing, All-seeing Authority of our lives. We need to trust Him. One commentator observed that when God requires us to respond in faith, aligning our wills with His will, then our wills “are not slain, but vivified, by such surrender; and the true secret of strength lies in submission” (Alexander MacLaren).

“Most of the noise in our souls is generated by our attempts to control the uncontrollable.” – David Powlison

We often talk ourselves out of faith. We want to control our own lives. We don’t want to admit our weaknesses and struggles. But who am I listening to? Am I leading myself astray through the darkness? We need to learn to recognize our self-talk versus what God is saying to us. His words are true and trustworthy.

In verse six, why is David able to say “I shall not be moved” or “I will not be shaken” (NIV)? Because David chooses to put his hope in God alone. Look at verse seven:
“In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.”

David trusts God completely. Do we? Be careful not to wander from your Rock and your Refuge.

David doesn’t merely write a message of hope for himself, he is writing to encourage others. He takes his personal hope in God and shares it with his crumbling kingdom. Verse eight, “Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him.” Like David, in times of darkness we must inspire others with the truth of Who God is: “God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8 NKJV).

There are practical ways to inspire and encourage others. Praying. Giving. Listening. Affirming. I think when we say “be kind” that isn’t enough. It isn’t enough because there are people in desperate need and, no matter how polite I am to someone at the grocery store, my kindness won’t be at all inspiring to them until I make a sacrifice to show them how valuable they are to my community, to God, to me. People have tangible needs and deep, spiritual needs. Am I meeting the needs of others by smiling politely and walking away? Am I inspiring them to trust God with the words I say?

4. Be steadfast in the truth
“Surely men of low degree are a vapor,
Men of high degree are a lie;
If they are weighed on the scales,
They are altogether lighter than vapor.
Do not trust in oppression,
Nor vainly hope in robbery;
If riches increase,
Do not set your heart on them.” – Psalm 62:9, 10 NKJV

There are many other options people choose to trust in instead of trusting in God. We trust in family, money, ourselves. . . I love what David says here: men are “lighter than vapor.” We cannot trust in men. We cannot trust in our own abilities: oppression (power) and robbery (greed). If our riches increase—even if we worked hard and we think we legitimately earned our riches—we cannot depend on wealth. That’s the truth!

Earthly things leave us empty. We spend our time building cardboard fortresses that topple easily because their foundation isn’t the Truth, it’s man-made sand. Jesus is the Truth. We have a choice: live for Jesus, or don’t live for Jesus; depend on His Truth for everything, or don’t depend on Him. Either way, God sets the standard for what is true and what is just.

God “will judge people according to the whole of their conduct, including their thoughts, and principles, and motives” (Barnes Notes on the Bible for Romans 2:6). We must have faith to believe God knows what He is doing.  Hebrews 11: 6 says “without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him” (NIV). In our times of trouble and hopelessness, are we earnestly seeking God?

Here is a fascinating note by Alexander MacLaren about “seeking” God:
“The beginning of all our seeking is that God has sought us in Jesus Christ, and so we have done for ever with: ‘Oh! that I knew where I might find Him.’ We have done for ever with ‘feeling after Him, if haply we might find Him.’ That is all past. We have to seek, but let us never forget that we must have been found of Him, before we seek Him. That is to say, He must have revealed Himself to us in the fullness [sic] and reality and solid certainty of His existence and character, before there can be kindled in any heart or mind the desire to possess Him. He must have flashed His light upon the eye before the eye beholds; and He must have stimulated the desire by the revelation of Himself which comes before all desires, ere any of us will stir ourselves up to lay hold upon God. Ours, then, is not to be a doubtful search, but a certain seeking, that goes straight to the place where [sic] it knows that its treasure is, just as a migratory bird will set out from the foggy and ice-bound shores of the north, and go straight through the mists and the night, over continents and oceans, to a place where it never was before, but to which it is led—God only knows how—by some deep instinct, too deep to be an error, and too persistent not to find its resting-place. That is how we are to seek. We are to seek as the flower turns its opening petals to the sunshine, making no mistake as to the quarter of the heaven in which the radiance is lodged. We have to seek, as the rootlet goes straight to the river, knowing where the water is, from which life and sap will come. Thus we have to seek where and what we know. Our quest is no doubtful and miserable hunting about for a possible good, but an earnest desire for a certain and a solid blessing. That is the seeking.” [bold added]

Psalm 62 concludes with the unchanging truth about God:
“God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God.
Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy;
For You render to each one according to his work” (verses 11 and 12 NKJV).

This is the truth we need to settle our hearts and renew our hope: God alone is Sovereign. God is Perfectly Strong and Perfectly Loving. God alone has the perfect balance of grace (giving us what we don’t deserve) and mercy (not giving us what we do deserve). Even in dark days, we’re all in the palm of His hand.

“Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.

Every joy or trial falleth from above,
Traced upon our dial by the Sun of Love;
We may trust Him fully, all for us to do;
They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.”
– “Like a River Glorious” by Frances R. Havergal

“This is a gift from God, his work is not done with me just yet”—Please read about Geneva Wood, Geneva the Great, the 90 year old who survived coronavirus.

Also, here is a neat article about Charles Spurgeon and twenty-two Spurgeon quotations for surviving life’s storms: https://www.spurgeon.org/resource-library/blog-entries/22-spurgeon-quotes-for-surviving-lifes-storms

 

In a Relationship

What is/was the best thing about being in a relationship?

For me, the best thing about being in an intimate relationship is the hope that I can be better for someone.  I’ll do my best to unpack that statement.

You see, there are many good things that can come from an intimate relationship, things like happiness, stability, support, respect, affirmation, and sex, among other benefits.  All these things are really great.  I’m not knocking these things; however, I think they fall short of what I’m going to call the “sanctification factor.”  What do I mean by that?  Sanctification is the process of being made holy, or set apart.  The “sanctification factor” in a relationship between two God-fearing people is what’s changing you, what’s making you different.  Sanctification can be essentially defined as you in the process of becoming a better you because of someone else.

This is NOT the “soul mate” or “You complete me,” Oompa Loompa, search-for-the-unicorn philosophy (as Matt Chandler humorously called it). I’m not talking about that; I’m talking about an intentional relationship that changes who you are because it gently engages you and gives you space to become set apart for God, holy.  The “sanctification factor” in a relationship is what calls me to a higher purpose within that peculiar relationship, and it isn’t limited to a marriage, it can happen in any healthy relationship that’s growing towards marriage.  [I’ll save a discussion concerning covenant promise marriage for another time.]

Ultimately, of course, the power of sanctification (changing lives) remains in God’s control.  Where I have a definite role is in my response to the fluctuations and changes in my relationship.  Are my responses intentional, gentle, grace-filled?  G.K. Chersterton said, “To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.” (Note:  now would be a great time for you to re-read 1 Corinthians chapter 13.)

I said initially that the best thing about being in an intimate relationship is the hope that I can be better for someone.  I think what I mean by this “hope” is that a relationship affords many opportunities.  There are many things I can respond to in a relationship.  Those responses are spaces, chances for growth and improvement.

The active hope of an intimate relationship recognizes this:
“Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality—not as we expect it to be but as it is—is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love” (Frederick Buechner).

I want to share a song I can’t stop thinking about this week.  I think it succeeds in portraying this idea that what’s fundamentally good about a relationship is the opportunity to engage and respond to it in a way that challenges us and changes us forever.  Here is Adam Driver singing “Being Alive” in “Marriage Story”:

On Love

What is love?

“Baby don’t hurt me!  Don’t hurt me.  No more.”  Sorry.  Couldn’t resist.

Yes.  Here, I will express some thoughts on love; however, I’ve decided that this particular blog cannot be a personal “manifesto” on love.  I haven’t the time or motivation to write a dissertation.  It won’t be a rant, either.  In fact, I’m surprised I even asked myself this question.  And I best get to it, or I won’t answer it at all…

All my life, I was taught that there are really three kinds of love.  They are Agape, Philos, and Eros.  But after Googling “three types of love,”  I now stand corrected.  According to ancient Greek tradition, there are seven or eight types of love.  You can see them all here and “Learn the Different Types of Love.”

Essentially, I think we all know there’s a difference between romantic love and sacrificial love.  We also know, even without the help of Captain & Tennille, which love will actually “keep us together.”  There is infatuated love which fades, and there is true love which saturates.  Just kidding!  You know what I mean (I hope).

So what makes love true?

I don’t usually pay attention to Amazon movie series, but one day, Facebook “suggested” this Amazon trailer to me (you don’t have to watch it) for a new series coming out called “Modern Love.” I wasn’t too impressed.  However, the thing that caught my attention was at the very end of the trailer where it reveals the show’s tagline:  “Love will find its truth.”  Disgusting, I thought.  This show, instead of answering and objectively presenting what love is, would rather leach ideas of “love” based on murky puddles of subjective opinions, feelings, and experiences.  In essence, they’ve tossed love into the relativism roaster and are calling the mush that remains something “modern.”  Why?  Because, after all:  people can relate to this, or they’ve experienced that; they feel something, so that must be “love”—at least for them.

Clearly, this relativist way of defining love is a sloppy blending of feelings and truth that even the ancient Greeks would not stoop to.  Okay.  Among seven possible types of love, maybe even they got confused sometimes.  Still, I do not believe that love is relative or that love is subjective.  What makes love true is not that it adapts to every truth, but that it has one objective definition.  There is one true love; not many.

With that said, what I think love is does not make it what I think.  Love is never what I think.  Love is; it exists outside of my mind and myself.  My experiences do not make love true.  My feelings and desires do not make love true.

So, again, we return to the question:  What makes love true?

Of every relationship book or article I’ve ever read, the best thing I’ve read about true love are the words of God through the Apostle John in Scripture.  John sensibly describes the true and perfect love of God:

“In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us” (1 John 4:9-12). 

John deduces that, since God is Love (verse 18) and true sacrificial love is of God, we can only completely and genuinely love God because He first loved us (John 4:19).  The following verses (20-21), conclude that those who love God must also love other Christians. The New Living Translation puts it this way:  “Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.”  As we love others with the divine love from God, His love is perfected in us.

However, let’s not rush into personal application and go beyond defining the true love of God which, in reality, is necessary to define and grasp in order to practice love that’s true (by God’s standard of truth).  The love of God:  what is that like?  I’ll admit it’s not easy for me to understand.  Even after years of being a Jesus follower, I struggle with words to define the love of God.  What I know for certain is that the one objective definition we need of true love is equal to God’s love.

One day, I came across a detailed commentary on 1 John 4 from The Biblical Illustrator (public domain Bible Commentary from 1905-1909).  Thankfully, it gave four descriptive points based on 1 John 4 to answer the question, “What, then, are the marks of true love?”

The first aspect of true love is that true love is unselfish.  The commentary states, “False love rushes onwards to its own low ends. It is meanly selfish, and when resisted, cruel as the grave. But true love gives up and goes without. ‘Tis finely prodigal, royally extravagant, and divinely liberal. Well, men’s love for God has this mark upon it; it teaches men to deny self–to give up and go without.”  Note the comparison; true love is lavishly giving and sacrificial (like Jesus Christ gave His life on the cross, and Christians give their lives for Christ), whereas fake love gives only to the lowest degree necessary in order to get what it wants.

The second aspect is that true love enjoys fellowship with its object.  In other words, fellowship is the measure of love.  God shows His love for us by actively pursuing an intimate relationship with us.  In response, Christians who truly love God, “Go to prayer and worship, not as the ‘whining schoolboy, with his satchel and shining morning face, creeping like [a] snail unwillingly to school,’ but rather as children run from their tasks to play” (The Biblical Illustrator).  Similarly, when two people love each other, they enjoy being in one another’s company and it shows.  In contrast, “When partners are unsure of each other’s willingness to be there for them, relationships can quickly erode” (Samantha Rodman).

Thirdly, true love is “ennobling in its influence.”  We don’t talk like that anymore, but what this means is that “love makes all men better and nobler.”  Therefore, true love will refine you and make you better than you once were. Paul Tripp said, “If you’re God’s child you have been given an identity you didn’t earn and blessed with potential beyond your natural gifts.”  People who truly love each other will challenge each other to change and grow to their fullest potential.

The fourth and final aspect of true love is one we should all recognize in any meaningful relationship:  true love is faithful to the end.  Here The Biblical Illustrator fittingly inserts lines from Shakespeare’s “Sonnet 116”:

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering barque,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.”

In conclusion, true love is “no fickle fancy, no passing mood, no fair-weather affection.”

I’d like to personally add something else I know of God’s love, a fifth aspect of love that makes it true:  True love is not desperate.  True love is secure.  God did not wake up one morning and say, “I think I need humans to love Me, or My existence has no meaning.”  Of course not!  As John already said, “God is Love.”  God is perfect and complete love within Himself, without us.  He is secure in His identity and in His purpose, apart from us or anything else He created.  God does not need us.

In my life, it’s been crucial for me to come to the complete understanding that my identity and my purpose are in Christ.  Because of this, I am secure in Him.  I needed Him.  God faithfully loved me before I could love faithfully.  As Michael Reeves put it:

“It is rather like the story of a great king marrying a harlot. And what happens is this harlot can’t make herself the great king’s wife by anything she does or her performance, but by his wedding vow she becomes his. And he says to her: All that I am I give to you. All that I have I share with you. And so gives to her the status of royalty and all that is his. And she turns to him and says: All that I am I give to you. All that I have I share with you. And so the poor sinner shares with King Jesus all her sin, all her death, all her damnation.”

(For more on Christian identity: “Why We Never Find Our Identity Inside of Ourselves”)

In light of all this, should my love be desperate?  Should my love be relative or subjective?  No.  Not when it is sourced from God’s true love. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7) and “There is no fear in love” (1 John 4:18).

So, there you have it.  What is true love?  True love is from God and is in all aspects like Him, unselfish, actively pursues, is there for you, refining, challenging, faithful to the end, steadfast and secure.

 

Losing Sleep

What makes you lose sleep?  Or what keeps you up at night?
To give an easy surface-level answer, I’d say something like, you know, “too much caffeine” or “eating too late at night.”  Sometimes, it really is just what I ate or poor planning; however, I’m going to take a risk and reveal what’s under the surface.

About a week ago, I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about children at church, specifically during our children’s program, the little ones transitioning who might have felt overwhelmed.  I thought, “Mikey didn’t have enough time to play; he needs time to play.”  This led to figuring out how to provide time for “Mikey” to play.  Do I create a specific time?  Do I make a specific area for him?  Do I need to incorporate more hands-on and play-acting into my teaching?  My thoughts spun into a spiral that became a web that became the beginnings of a unique tapestry.  The tapestry fibers were my observations interwoven with what I knew to be true and the outcomes I desired.

Actually, most of my nights are similar to this.  When my head hits the pillow, rather than simply drifting into sleep, I instead create a thought tapestry on some topic I feel I haven’t fully processed.  Due to my personality, it’s often related to relationships or people.  Sometimes, I am processing so much, that I need to write out my observations and remind myself of what I know to be true in order to uncover the thought fully and be content enough (for now) to leave it on a page and process it more in the future.  Or I write until there is nothing left to process, I can make some conclusion, I’ve completed the particular tapestry.

I’ve fallen asleep before with a pen and notebook in bed with me.  I think, in a way, my need to process my thoughts is what keeps me up at night.  Writing helps immensely, but I sometimes forget this.  Reading serves as a distraction, but it usually gives me even more ideas to process.

Being often in tune with my “ENFJ” Myers-Briggs personality, I’m a “master empathizer” so I go through life trying to put myself in everyone else’s shoes.  This task takes both thoughtfulness and time.  In other words, I think a lot.

According to one explanation:
“The FeNi [or ENFJ] spends a good deal of their internal thought life thinking about relational issues—how their actions affect others and how they feel about what others said to them. They often realize after the fact that something they said could have been taken in a way they did not intend, which can cause them to worry that they might have unintentionally hurt or offended someone. They spend a lot of time thinking about future possibilities like their goals and aspirations.” (Bold words mine)

Here is what another website had to say about the abstract, time-consuming thought-life of an ENFJ:
“As an ENFJ, you absorb abstract information more than concrete information. What does this mean? You notice meanings, connections, themes, and patterns more than you notice what’s actually right in front of you. Instead of looking at an apple and seeing it for its nutritional value, shape, size, or color, you might think of it as a symbol of life, of original sin, of apple pies that bring people harmoniously together in the fall. The ideas that the apple provoke are more significant than the technical details of the apple. You are always trying to understand the ‘background processes’ at work in any situation. What isn’t being said? What are the true intentions of the people around you? What long-term impact will this event or situation have on the future?  You tend to get epiphanies or ‘flashes’ of insight into a situation that reveal themselves sporadically and unexpectedly.”

Case in point:  it is now 1:00 AM, my tomorrow’s to-do lists have already been made, and I am (for the moment) done answering the “what-makes-you-lose-sleep” question in, hopefully, a unique way that offends no one whatsoever.

A Better Life

What can you do to make your life better?
Obviously, there are countless ways to improve oneself and make one’s life better.  I’ve chosen the following areas to work on:  my spiritual health, my heart health (creativity and emotions), my brain health (skills and learning), and my physical health.  Under each of these underlined areas, I’ve listed a couple specific things I can do (and am doing) to make my life better concerning where I’m at right now.

My Spiritual Health
Personal Bible Study
I should be in God’s Word daily, no matter what.  I read a Charles Spurgeon devotional consistently and get a verse-of-the-day from Bible.com.  I’ve printed out a complete in-depth study of Colossians, I just have to do it consistently.  I’ve also begun attending the ladies Bible study at my local church.  Hopefully, I will find another good study with my soon-to-have support group.

Christian Support Group
Peer groups aren’t everything, but they are something essential to my daily spiritual growth and walk.  I’ve already learned how important relationships are to me, so where is my support group?  Where are the relationships and friends within reach I can turn to when I need help and I’m losing motivation?  I hate how modern Christianity thinks it can stand up, sing, serve, and grow without ever reaching out, genuinely connecting or being reached out to—but that’s for another blog post.  I need to visit some other churches, meet new people, find my peers, and formulate a support group.  If I already had this support group, I’d be offending someone by writing this, but are you offended?  Of course not.

My Heart Health
Pursue A Passion
I need to be in the process of building strong and close relationships with a network of like-minded Christians, supporting a specific ministry, using my gifts  (creativity, love of nature, responsible planning) to encourage others.  I’m not sure, yet, specifically how to do this.  However, I am very involved in the children’s ministries at church.  There is also a Christian activity center 40 minutes away that I feel led to volunteer for.  I guess I need to finally contact them.  And to just keep reaching out, willing to help when I see somewhere that I know God is at work.

Complete Art Projects
There are several incomplete creative projects surrounding me in my room at the moment.  I always feel elated when I complete something.  I should make a list of (most of) my incomplete projects, that way whenever I complete one, I can scratch it off and feel really good as I complete them all in an organized fashion, rather than forget about them before 2020.

My Brain Health
Pursue A Skill
I’ve applied for a Technical Writing Certificate at a nearby university and am excited to begin pursuing that skill next year!  I plan to read a few books on technical writing, grant writing, and proposal writing before I start my courses (watch my Goodreads account to see).  I also recently found out that at archivist.org citizens can volunteer to do transcribing and tagging of open governmental and historical documents.  I think this would not only be fun and educational, but also good practice to improve my writing and transcribing skills, so I am seriously considering volunteering and making a set schedule for myself of times to transcribe.

Learn Another Language
I’ve invested in some books on German and would like to have, at the least, a basic grasp of the language.  I’m not sure if I could find a group that meets for learning German or not (if anyone has any suggestions, let me know).  The best possible option right now is to make a schedule of German reading (or lessons) and practice times with the materials I already have.  I’m sure there are some free sources online as well.  I feel that learning another language would improve my mind and add additional confidence to who I am as a person.

My Physical Health
Regular Exercise
Jillian Michaels killed my thighs the first week I did her workouts (only twice).  I was reading that HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts are great for women, so I got some cardio workout DVDs from the thrift shop.  I’ve been doing them in rotation about three days a week, just need to work on consistency.  Of course I still love doing yoga on our Wii Fit, so I am going to continue to do my yoga routine more regularly as well.

Healthy Eating
Something is up with my hormones.  I go to the doctor again tomorrow for another blood test.  Weight loss will help, and part of that means eating healthier.  Therefore, I’m in the process of making a “Good Food” “Bad Food” list.  It also seems to make a difference when I eat.  So getting—I mean making, it won’t just happen, sadly—an overall schedule and a bit of meal planning would be great for me.  I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to do this.  I’ve fallen into “a funk” as some say.  Honestly, I haven’t been sleeping well, so I stay in bed until about 11 AM whenever I can.  I probably need someone to be accountable to *cue support group people* just to have motivation to get moving.  The funk cycle stops here.

Ultimately, I think the goal and resolution I need to push myself towards is to meet more people in 2020.  I’ve sort of become barricaded from my community and the world in many ways and, for a time, that was how I could grow and learn and find myself.  But now it is time to push away from “the nest” and learn to be myself in many different experiences and different places.  I’m realistic about the challenge it will be, but excited to see what will happen in a future—my future—where God has already been and He has everything in His hands.

Book Review: “Finding God’s Life for My Will”

I’ve just completed reading “Finding God’s Life for My Will” by Mike Donehey who is the lead singer and song writer from my favorite Christian band, Tenth Avenue North.  Since several friends want to know what I thought of the book, I’m telling y’all!  I’ll try to keep it short and I’m even including a TAN song for some of the chapters (among other goodies).  Also, I apologize for referring to the author simply as “Mike” during the following, but I am a TAN-fan, it’s how I’ve always known him, if I ever saw him on the street I’d say “Hey Mike,” and he is a super friendly, genuine guy so I do not think he’d mind.  OK.  Let’s do this thing!

Intro
First, I appreciate that Mike began his book by saying: “This is my story” and “This is my journey…”  That might not seem like a huge deal, but, sadly, a lot of us Jesus people like to pick up new books by popular influential Christians so that the authors can tell us when we do exactly A, B, and C., then we will have 1, 2, and 3.  This is not a book like that.  This is Mike’s personal journey and his reflections on what he personally learned from it.  He owns that fact from the beginning, and throughout.  I think that’s awesome because, while I can be encouraged with how God showed up in Mike’s life, I have no excuse to compare my life with his and expect God to show up that same exact way in mine.  I have my own story.  I am on a journey with my Savior, too—a different personal-to-me journey.

Second, after giving a straight-forward explanation of what the book is about, Mike jumps right in with some challenging questions to ask ourselves:  “Am I letting God use me, or am I trying to use Him?  Am I trying to change God or letting Him change me?”  Wow.  I’m still thinking about those.

The main take-away quote from the intro:  “I’ve come to believe God is much less interested in what we do with our lives and much more concerned with how and why we live our lives.”

Chapter One
I found this chapter incredibly encouraging.  Why?  When Mike and Kelly (now his wife) were dating, they broke up five times.  Five times!  Imagine the heart-ache there.  As someone who is recently single again, that simple fact made me so much more hopeful for my future.  I think this whole chapter was really about taking risks and “getting your feet wet” and how we can’t let fear of the unknown stop us from trusting God’s power and His faithfulness.  In the end, it really doesn’t matter where I end up, how many times my heart was broken, or what a mess I made of everything along the way; what matters is:  did I trust God?

Mike says it this way:  “God loves it when we move in faith.  He loves when we don’t have all the answers but we act as though we trust that He does.  So whether you’re waiting or wadding forward, take heart.  He has more plans for you than you have for yourself.”

TAN Song for Chapter One:  “Hold My Heart” (Mike mentioned at a concert I went to four years ago that he wrote this song after a break up, a long run in the rain, and struggling with his fears of relational commitment and the unknown)

Chapter Two
The author’s humor and wit truly shine in this chapter as he takes us back into the golden years of his rebellious childhood!  “I guess you could say I had a gift for distorting reality to fit my personal desires,” states Mike.  And, I think the reader is meant to conclude:  yeah, we all do that!

But he isn’t writing simply for nostalgic memoir here.  One of his reasons for sharing about his willfully sinful behavior as a child is to show that “only grace can truly melt a heart of stone.”  You should read the book to find out how Mike was given such grace!

Main take-away quote:  “I believe we all end up becoming who we believe we are.  Or maybe I should say whose we believe we are.”

TAN Song for Chapter Two:  “You Are More”

Chapter Three
This is about Mike’s tragic car accident during his senior year in high school.  It broke him.  In fact, the sub-heading for the chapter is Johnny Cash’s line:  “Sooner or later God’ll cut you down.”  I’ll admit I started to cry while reading the vivid descriptions of fear and pain and loss and anger, and everything that, in the end, God used as fodder for a miracle.  “I absolutely couldn’t see a sliver of hope at the time,” writes Mike.

Then he asked his parents for a guitar.  I remember hearing him describe to his audience once how every time he plays his guitar it is so humbling because he remembers that very first time when he was flat on his broken back, stuck in bed, waiting to heal enough to move again, waiting to walk again.  Every time he plays his guitar it’s like he is flat on his back again and music is all he has left.  “Learning to play guitar shifted my heart from despair to dedication, and it slowly taught my soul how to rest in the process,” says Mike.

In the end, he discovered, “Sometimes the moments of greatest tragedy are the exact moments when something beautiful is being born.  And sometimes the only thing keeping us from God’s dreams for our lives is our unwillingness to let go of how we thought our own dreams should go.”

TAN song for Chapter Three: “Worn”  (Mike even quotes it in the chapter)

Chapter Four
A long chapter, but totally worth your time.  This is the meat of the sandwich.  This is the crux of Mike’s book.  This is the main point, as he quotes Saint Augustine, that “God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to receive them.”

I guess the main thing that stuck out to me about this chapter is Mike Donehey was telling me something I already know:  nobody but God has what I need most, so shouldn’t He be the most I’ll ever need?  Real joy, peace, and rest are found in God’s presence.

“There is a sweet contentment that comes from living in a perpetual state of need and fulfillment from God’s provision,” says Mike, reflecting on Proverbs 30:8-9.

TAN song for Chapter Four:  “Empty My Hands”

Chapter Five
Describing his college experience, Mike declares that one night he “encountered the Spirit of God” as he went to hear a small group of Christians singing to God on a balcony.  “I was perplexed,” he writes, “This was the first group of collegiate students who had freely chosen to come together and lift their attention heavenward.  I had been a part of some makeshift Bible studies and whatnot before, but nothing like this.”  Mike says he knew he needed whatever it was that these students had, so he went back and they began meeting (spontaneously) every week.  “We taught one another how to be captivated by the presence of God.  We prayed.  We sang.  We were filled.  It changed me.”  Mike began thinking less about his selfish desires and more about enjoying God and worshiping God “for Himself.”

Throughout the chapter, Mike emphasizes servanthood over leadership.  He emphasizes living because of God’s love for us.  He emphasizes grace.  Concerning his personal life, he is painfully honest that “every single day, I have to check my ego at the door and figure out how to keep the applause from filling the spaces in my heart that the Spirit was meant to fill.”

Main take-away quote:  “Inevitably, there will come a time when you feel you deserve better than what you’re getting.  But when all you do is because of God, there’s no more deserving.  There’s only grace.”

TAN song for Chapter Five:  “Grace”
Mike referenced the Ben Rector song, “The Men That Drive Me Places” so I’ve included a link for that as well.

Chapter Six
In this chapter, Mike takes what any person would call “interruptions” and shows us how life and Christian ministry are all about paying close attention to “interruptions.”  Stemming from the ultimate example of Jesus, who blessed everyone and “loved without an agenda” even loving His enemies, we also ought to open our eyes to every person, ready to serve them and invest in them no matter what.

Mike refers to Mark 7:31-37 and Mark 5.

What Mike has learned:  “I’ve come to realize now, I missed what was right in front of me because most ministry opportunities have a way of disguising themselves as inconveniences.”

TAN song for Chapter Six:  “Love Anyway”

Chapter Seven
A fierce attack on the leader label lie, Chapter 7 felt long and wordy to me, but this issue is clearly important to Mike—namely that “you and I would do well to take a second and redefine what success is.  What label is worth living for, and what label will end up living us?”  Mike warns, “Some name badges might sound prestigious but make for shaky ground when we begin to build our identity on them.”

Identity.  That is huge.  It’s important to remember our actions flow from our identity and our labels.  “If we insist on letting grace name us, then our success, our leadership, and our failures no longer define us,” says Mike.

“Submission is the calling of every Christian.” – Brent Gambrell

TAN song for Chapter Seven: “What You Want”

Chapter Eight
Hilarious opening (go read it) to illustrate self-forgetfulness!  This chapter points readers to the fact that none of us are the center; God is the center and “the only thing that truly frees us from ourselves is God’s love for us.”  1 John 4:19 concludes that “we love because He first loved us.”  Mike would say this means that God’s love “crowds out our self-obsession.” Also, later in the chapter, Mike shares his thoughts concerning social media.

Mike observes, “I don’t think we were meant to find our lives; we were meant to lose them.”  And a little later:  “Your identity is not in how much change you can bring or in what you produce or accomplish.  Let Jesus be enough of an accomplishment for you.  Let your identity be the disciple Jesus loves.” (I’ve linked to a Mike Donehey video journal here called “Live Loved” where he talks specifically about this identity.)

Challenging Question:  “What if sin is nothing more than an attempt to build an identity on something other than God and His love?”

TAN song for Chapter Eight: “All The Pretty Things”
Another great read:  I Am Not but I Know I Am by Louie Giglio

Chapter Nine
This is one of my favorite chapters in the book.  The message, straight up, is:  God doesn’t need you.  Mike and the guys in the band began to realize they were continually out there, serving and singing for God, but they were hardly ever home, serving God by serving their families.  They had a hard decision to make.  Once the decision was made, “God tested our resolve,” says Mike.  For Tenth Avenue North this meant learning that “God didn’t need us to be successful.  He wanted us to be surrendered.”  That’s when they wrote their song, “Control” which declares:

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

An important verse referenced is 2 Corinthians 4:7, but I recommend verses 5 through 8!

Another great Scripture Mike points to is Acts 17 where Paul said in verse 25 that God “is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else.”

Remember, “If God calls you to something, He doesn’t want you to sacrifice your emotional, spiritual, or physical health in order to accomplish it,” writes Mike, “If He calls you to a thing, He will also provide you the grace to do it.”

TAN song for Chapter Nine:  “Control”
A Bonus Song would be “What We Proclaim” collab song with Mike Donehey, Aaron Shust, and Brandon Heath

Chapter Ten
You can read part of this chapter online if you go to this link for bible.com and click “Start This Plan” and sign up for free!  Overall, the chapter describes how God is “offering us an extra share of joy if we would willingly offer up our share of the applause.”  In other words, we need to shift our perspective from inward to outward, not by comparing ourselves to others, but by celebrating, honoring, and serving others. “Comparison, when it only validates our egos, has no place in God’s kingdom,”  says Mike.

“Life is a celebration, not a competition.”

I chose TAN’s song “By Your Side” for this chapter because Mike shares about it in the section “The Day My Dove Award Died,” but also because it is such an others-focused song.  When I first heard it in 2009, I would pray for unbelieving friends as I listened.  “Why are you striving? […] Why are you trying to earn grace?”  The song called me to love others in a deeper way than I had been; but it also felt like God Himself singing over me:  “I love you.  I’ll never let you go.”

TAN song for Chapter Ten:  “By Your Side” I can’t believe it’s been ten years…

Chapter Eleven
Every book about the Christian life ought to have a chapter or two on prayer.  But this was like no other chapter on prayer I’d ever read.  In fact, I was surprised how vulnerable Mike got.  The first sentence:  “I was always terrible at praying.”

It’s encouraging to hear this raw honesty from a fellow Christian who really struggles with allowing space for God.  I think we all struggle with it to some degree, but as soon as I realized Mike did, it made his words sink in so much more because here was someone, struggling like me, sharing what he discovered on his real spiritual journey.  And he wasn’t sharing from an “I’m-up-here and this-is-how-you-get-here” standpoint, he shared as a normal every-day, regular guy—his low points, his high points, his learning, what he does, and the process of making himself available to God.

“Going to God in prayer doesn’t always have an immediate effect,” Mike says, “But I have to say, later—minutes, hours, sometimes days or months later—I notice an underlying peace I didn’t have before.  It’s almost as if, when I allow God the space to speak—even if He doesn’t—I feel a deeper peace knowing at least I gave Him the chance to.”

Ultimately, “living without prayer is defiance.  It’s asserting that you can live without Him,” but Mike concludes, “This is good news.  It means prayer, then, is, in essence, nothing more than admitting your need.”  And God welcomes our every need.

TAN song for Chapter Eleven:  “You Do All Things Well”
Mike’s video journal on the events and prayers behind “You Do All Things Well”

The Rest of the Book
Throughout the rest of the book, Mike covers topics such as gratitude, forgiveness, confession, embracing our mistakes and failures, unconditional love, and what a life of faith really means.

My favorite quote from the last chapter:  “Be the poem God has already written. […] In the end, it’s not our story, anyway.  It’s His.”

Oh, and my favorite word used in the book is “schlep” a Yiddish word meaning to haul, carry, or drag something slowly and awkwardly (see page 221).

For more about “Finding God’s Life for My Will”, listen to Billy Hallowell interviewing Mike Donehey on Pureflix Insiders Podcast from August 22, 2019 (hint: scroll down when the page opens).

Thanks so much for reading!  Now, go read “Finding God’s Life for My Will.”

Fear

What is your greatest fear?
What this question really seems to be asking under the surface is “What’s most important to you?”  I pretty much already answered that in my last blog post Perfect Happiness, but, in case you didn’t read it, here is, basically, what’s most important to me:  relationships and people.  In light of that fact, what has always been my greatest fear is starting to be something I can simply expect.

So, what exactly is my greatest fear?  My greatest fear is losing the people I love and losing my connection with them.

This fear is rational because I have lost people I love; I have lost connections.  It’s happened to me over and over and over again.  Not only do people die and go away physically; people have also left me when there is conflict, disagreement, a break in our friendship, or maybe just from drifting apart, different choices, new opportunities, moving in separate circles, change.

My greatest fear sometimes brings out another aspect of my personality:  a tendency toward being needy and somewhat manipulative.  The best explanation I’ve read concerning this was on a Myers-Briggs personality website, personalityjunkie.com.  I am an ENFJ (generally speaking).

“ENFJs see it as their job to help others live more authentically, ethically, and healthily. Utilizing their insight into people, they can be quite effective at diagnosing problems and formulating solutions that spawn personal growth. And because ENFJs are the most convincing (even if a bit forceful) of all the personality types, others often respond well to their counsel,” says Personality Junkie.

The website goes on to describe that an ENFJ may tend to be controlling and judgmental. Still, this is not necessarily a bad thing because “most ENFJs have good intentions of improving morale or finding consensus. Even their attempts to control or schmooze others may be rooted in a larger desire for peace, diplomacy, and mutual understanding.”  It’s obvious that relationships are the main thing for someone like me.

In fact, here’s something I wrote at 2 AM on October 5, 2016:
“There are times when I’m just tired of being single.  I so enjoy my friends, and even guy friends, but every now and then you just want someone to take you in his arms like he’ll never let you go.  This week it’s just pressing hard on me that I might never have that guy with those strong, safe arms, and that steadfast love.  And I know I’ve heard too many love stories.  But I really don’t just want to take love.  I want to be there for someone, too.  I ache to give love.  So, sometimes, I just need to be honest and say I was made and created for a deep intimate and covenant relationship with a man, and Jesus is not my boyfriend.  Jesus is not my husband.  Jesus is everything I need, yes, but He made me with a inescapable need for human contact, human connection and relationships, ‘one-another-ing.’  And, frankly, my love-tank, even through friendships, and serving my church, and Bible study, and working at ChickfilA is barely half-full.  …Being honest.”

I wrote, “I ache to give love.”  *In my best psychologist voice* Let’s unpack that.  I think my greatest fear of losing connections with people is more about my not being able to love or influence them because really, the people in my life are like an extension of myself.  It’s not always noticeable, but I become so invested in the people that surround me that sometimes, to put it bluntly, I’m afraid I’ll miss out on my investments once the stock market of connection crashes.  This is my greatest fear.  This is what ruins my agenda, so to speak.

Remember when I said my greatest fear is starting to be something I can simply expect?  Losing relationships, losing people, losing my connections happens so often, I’ve begun to expect it.  I’m learning to prepare for it.  This may have made a really expressive and emotional person (me) a little quieter, a little more reserved, but I still embrace others—cautiously.  And now, when the break happens, hopefully I don’t break as deep.

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.”
– Thomas Merton

So I loose the connection. I morn the lost connection.  And I move on.  Right?  Sometimes.  Sometimes I suffer inwardly.  Sometimes it takes me a while to get over it, even if I thought it wouldn’t be hard.  If I see my special relational investments aren’t “paying off” and aren’t going anywhere, I’m not afraid to take action.

I’m not afraid of breaking up.  I’m afraid of staying broken.
I’m not afraid of quitting my job.  I’m afraid of quitting my connections.

“ENFJs are highly intentional and often have an agenda—to teach, motivate, unite, persuade, etc. If they see little opportunity to effectively execute their agenda, they can quickly become restless and move on to something different.” (Personality Junkie)

It’s not that I ignore my greatest fear;  I know it’s there, but I try not to be afraid of the risk anymore.  Dr. John Townsend writes this in his book Beyond Boundaries:
“Risk is the only path we have to experience truly satisfying relationships.  The way it is supposed to work is that over a gradual process, both people peel back the onion layers of who they are, eventually getting to the deeper levels.  That is where great friendships, dating relationships, and marriages are headed.”  But we all have to remember, “there is a catch, which is what risk is all about: healthy connections always give the other person a choice. This is the possibility of danger. If you are interested in someone, if you are invested in someone, if you love someone, you must allow that person freedom. They can choose to not reciprocate your love, to be uncaring, and to end the relationship. And you must guard their freedom to do this. It is the only way you, or anyone else, will truly experience love.”

Rather than solely guarding my own love and relationships, God is teaching me and challenging me to guard other people’s freedom, their love, and their relationships as well, and not to be afraid when someone rejects a connection with me.

Perfect Happiness

In an effort, finally, to find out where I am and who I am and, perhaps more importantly, where I’m going and who I want to become, I’ve decided to answer a series of questions.  This shouldn’t be hard since I usually have an opinion to give.  However, it might prove challenging since I tend to over-analyze any choice I’m making for or about myself.  It isn’t because I have to make the best choice, unfortunately; it is rather that I strive to be open-minded and live harmoniously with everything in this world.  So, to sum up, while I may certainly have sweeping bold opinions on any question put to me, I also have the desire to grow and learn and to go “through the looking glass” to see beyond myself.  I always hope my words encourage both discovery and understanding.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

To me,  perfection implies completeness, not flawlessness.  So a complete happiness may be achievable on earth, but it would probably be a temporary happiness to say the least.  It would be a happiness like knowing you’ve received not only the first book in a beloved series of novels, but the entire collection, including commentary.  And while books do make me happy, they are merely material things.  No, a perfect happiness, in my mind, is something more sentimental than books.

My happiness, I find, is always greatest and fullest around people I love.  I remember at my Grandma’s funeral witnessing both sides of my family laughing, sharing memories,  and showing true community and real compassion for one another; both my Mom’s side and my Dad’s side–since my parents grew up in the same area–were talking together for hours.  What normally would have been a sad event, had brought so many of the people I love together.  In the special moment when I stood back and simply watched and listened to everyone talking together, I began to cry the happiest tears of my life.  Those who I loved were together.  Not only that, those who I loved were being loved.

Connection and being loved is, in fact, a deep part of who I am and what I’m about.  I think part of my natural gravitation toward little children is how open they are to loving and being loved.  They reach out and expect me to hold them close; they seek connection.  I really enjoy watching children and watching people connect!  I love planning things or being part of events that create opportunities for interpersonal connections.

My idea of perfect happiness with real depth and breadth is the ability to be so intimately connected with someone I love that I feel their joys and their sorrows.  My complete happiness is found in intimacy beyond words when I’m “knit together in love” and bound up alongside someone I care about, almost losing myself to their experience of what’s happening, losing my plans to achieve their dreams, sacrificing my own needs to see their heart come alive.

Where Am I?

Does anyone remember that part in “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” (The Chronicles of Narnia) when Lucy wants to say the magic spell to turn herself into someone beautiful “beyond the lot of mortals”?  The scenes in the 2010 film version are somewhat different from the book I guess—Lucy wants to be beautiful like her sister, Susan.  Still, both versions make the point that Lucy is tempted to be more than she is; someone men continually fight over and women are bitterly jealous of.  That resonates with me this year.  Not that I want to start a fight, it’s just…

In the last few months, my own responses to unexpected events in my life have caused my perspective to shift more and more inward, until I find myself wishing to re-do who I see inside.  It’s become a kind of a disturbing version of Disney’s Mulan “Reflection” song.  I ask the mirror, “When will my reflection show…someone else?”

Like it was with Lucy, it’s not just my physical appearance, but the power and influence behind that, and the affection and admiration it could create, that draws me.  I just think I could have more.  I deserve more.

In essence, I’m struggling with my identity and my own opinion of who I am.  “Get over it,” you may scoff, but it’s more complicated than that.  Even if I thought I could forget it all and move on, my changing view of myself is continually affecting my choices and my relationships.  Somehow, my inner voice is much louder than the rest of the world…And she never stops talking.

One day recently I was conflicted so much in my thoughts and emotions that my Mom advised me to “write about it.”  I guess this is a start then.

I feel like I’m looking simultaneously down two dark train tunnels:  In one tunnel hides the little girl who used to make people laugh, the girl who told stories and planned theme parties for her Barbie dolls, the girl who knew God was going to make her a mommy someday, the girl who sang all the time, the girl who made people feel like it was okay to be themselves; in the other tunnel, there’s an adventurous, beautiful, talented, independent, courageous and fulfilled adult woman whom I’ve never actually met, but I know she is in there.  Somehow, I have to find her without losing myself.  Or I have to lose myself to find myself…  But, where am I?